There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
