weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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