did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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