Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
