then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
