When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
