went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
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