I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
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Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
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Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen