I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.