Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
