He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.