i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just found puke in my bra..
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
