there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
