you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We are all done wearing pants today
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Randomize
