I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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