I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
