Only a mothe r could love this liver
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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