Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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