My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
