no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
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After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
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Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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