I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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