dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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