Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
