And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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