Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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