so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
