Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
