what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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