I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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