I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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