I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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