I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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