Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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