$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
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Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
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JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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