I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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