why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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