It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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