and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Randomize
