Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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