I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
