Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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