Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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