I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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