today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
