he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
