What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
