So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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