I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
