She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
PANTIES FOUND
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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