haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
