She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
