shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
