There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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