i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
