As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
