So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
