Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
