I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
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I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
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I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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