there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
