They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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