I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm too high and old for this...
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
