I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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