I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
ttyl tear gas
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
